The more I relax, the more my RAD child relaxes. She literally reflects my emotions to me at nearly all times. It is scary sometimes. Sure, she has her own emotions and free will, but typically she is right with me.
When I am angry, she is angry. When I am sad, she is sad. When I am stressed... you get the picture.
And the energy it takes to raise an RAD kid - a LOT! IT is exhausting just to get to school some days. Going to bed at a decent hour, or even taking a shower is like asking the child to cut off her right arm for me.
But, when I truly let go, and let the natural consequences teach her the lessons of life, I am a lot calmer, and she picks up the responsibility! Imagine that!
Perhaps it's because the parents waited so long to have children that they develop a level of anxiety about parenting. The (usually) unconscious thought is, ",...I waited 6 years for your arrival, and paid over $15,000 for your adoption, and I'm not about to screw this up!"
That's why I love the Love and Logic group. They teach about empathy, and having a good relationship with your kids. They teach about self-care for the parent, and how to allow natural consequences to be the teacher.
Can you relate?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
2 types of Reactive Attachment Disorders
The two types of RAD are Inhibited and Disinhibited. Here are the symptoms of each:
Inhibited: This child can be quite resistant to hugs, touch, pushing other away, ignoring them, or even acting out in aggression when others try to get close. The child is emotionally detached from relationships and is very withdrawn. Though aware of what is going on around him or her, she does not respond or react to it.
Disinhibited: The child seeks comfort and affection from almost anyone, except the parents. This child can approach complete strangers, be very charming, and even crawl up into the person's lap. This child acts much younger, emotionally, than his or her chronological age, and can appear very anxious.
My child seems to display both, at varying times. Though she's never crawled into a stranger's lap, she does act emotionally younger than her chronological age (at times). She definitely pushes away her father and me (her adoptive mother), and has to decide when she's good and ready for hugs and affection. It always has to be on her timing.
Her anxiety shows when she's new to an event or place, and truly dislikes being the center of attention. She gets fearful of things that younger children have outgrown, like, fear of snakes, or more recently, ordering her own food at a restaurant.
Which type does your child display? How so?
Inhibited: This child can be quite resistant to hugs, touch, pushing other away, ignoring them, or even acting out in aggression when others try to get close. The child is emotionally detached from relationships and is very withdrawn. Though aware of what is going on around him or her, she does not respond or react to it.
Disinhibited: The child seeks comfort and affection from almost anyone, except the parents. This child can approach complete strangers, be very charming, and even crawl up into the person's lap. This child acts much younger, emotionally, than his or her chronological age, and can appear very anxious.
My child seems to display both, at varying times. Though she's never crawled into a stranger's lap, she does act emotionally younger than her chronological age (at times). She definitely pushes away her father and me (her adoptive mother), and has to decide when she's good and ready for hugs and affection. It always has to be on her timing.
Her anxiety shows when she's new to an event or place, and truly dislikes being the center of attention. She gets fearful of things that younger children have outgrown, like, fear of snakes, or more recently, ordering her own food at a restaurant.
Which type does your child display? How so?
Thursday, March 22, 2012
RAD moments
OK, since RAD kids are always "against" their primary caregiver, here are a few random moments in our household:
I say, "Oh, I better go put on some sunscreen, so I don't get sunburned." Child runs upstairs, only steps ahead of me, grabs the 2 bottles of sunscreen, smiles, and runs away with them.
Her mother (that's me) walks up to her and says, "I love you," and her response is, "...whatever..."
Her father walks up to her and says, "How about a hug before I leave?" She stands there, without moving a muscle, while her father gives her a hug. She returns no affection at that time.
She loves babies! Whether it's a baby doll, or a real baby, or even a photo of a baby, she has a sweet love for them. I think it's because of her issues that happened when she was a baby. It's her way of coping with the strong emotions of her losses when she was a baby.
She responds really well to calm, quiet, cool and collected adults. If an adult is emotional, whether happy, sad, excited, angry or scared, she tends to react in a negative way.
"Don't sing!" "Don't dance!" "Stop!" to me, when I am silly and having fun. I could understand her reaction more if we were in public at the time, because she might feel embarrassed, but, this is in my own kitchen!
Can you relate to any of these? Let me know that I'm not the only adoptive parent who goes through these things. ;)
I say, "Oh, I better go put on some sunscreen, so I don't get sunburned." Child runs upstairs, only steps ahead of me, grabs the 2 bottles of sunscreen, smiles, and runs away with them.
Her mother (that's me) walks up to her and says, "I love you," and her response is, "...whatever..."
Her father walks up to her and says, "How about a hug before I leave?" She stands there, without moving a muscle, while her father gives her a hug. She returns no affection at that time.
She loves babies! Whether it's a baby doll, or a real baby, or even a photo of a baby, she has a sweet love for them. I think it's because of her issues that happened when she was a baby. It's her way of coping with the strong emotions of her losses when she was a baby.
She responds really well to calm, quiet, cool and collected adults. If an adult is emotional, whether happy, sad, excited, angry or scared, she tends to react in a negative way.
"Don't sing!" "Don't dance!" "Stop!" to me, when I am silly and having fun. I could understand her reaction more if we were in public at the time, because she might feel embarrassed, but, this is in my own kitchen!
Can you relate to any of these? Let me know that I'm not the only adoptive parent who goes through these things. ;)
Friday, March 16, 2012
RAD kids keep everything
I was cleaning my daughter's room, and found tons of things that were sheer garbage. Not just the fast food restaurant toys, but truly garbage: candy wrappers, used tissues, used dryer sheets, empty snack bags, broken crayons and more. My initial thought was, "Why does she keep this garbage?"
But my second thought was, "Because she's RAD." Kids who have weak attachments with their caregivers, no matter the reason, have a very difficult time letting go of physical things, even if it is garbage. Somewhere deep in her emotional soul is a fear that something will be lacking, or taken away, or missing. It is an emotional memory of loss. And, to avoid that painful feeling once again, she keeps everything.
Now, don't get me wrong. She seems to enjoy the cleanliness of her room, when I go through and throw out the garbage. But for her to throw it away is difficult.
Can you relate?
But my second thought was, "Because she's RAD." Kids who have weak attachments with their caregivers, no matter the reason, have a very difficult time letting go of physical things, even if it is garbage. Somewhere deep in her emotional soul is a fear that something will be lacking, or taken away, or missing. It is an emotional memory of loss. And, to avoid that painful feeling once again, she keeps everything.
Now, don't get me wrong. She seems to enjoy the cleanliness of her room, when I go through and throw out the garbage. But for her to throw it away is difficult.
Can you relate?
What is RADical Parenting?
RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder, and it is a common set of behaviors displayed by (mostly) adopted children. It could also affect any child who has had attachment interruption issues in early childhood, such as, the mother was in the hospital for several weeks after delivery.
When normal attachment happens between a child and parent, the child feels safe, loved and secure. When there is an adoption, even if it is at birth, there is a chance that the child will have some features of RAD. The most common features of RAD are:
The ICD-10 description states:
In my previous blog post, I wrote out the DSM-IV criteria for RAD.
When normal attachment happens between a child and parent, the child feels safe, loved and secure. When there is an adoption, even if it is at birth, there is a chance that the child will have some features of RAD. The most common features of RAD are:
- Poor trust from child to adult
- Lying
- Stealing
- Manipulative behaviors
The ICD-10 description states:
- markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts (e.g., the child is avoidant or unresponsive to care when offered by caregivers or is indiscriminately affectionate with strangers);[36]
- the disturbance is not accounted for solely by developmental delay and does not meet the criteria for pervasive developmental disorder;
- onset before five years of age (there is no age specified before five years of age at which RAD cannot be diagnosed);[36]
- a history of significant neglect;
- an implicit lack of identifiable, preferred attachment figures
In my previous blog post, I wrote out the DSM-IV criteria for RAD.
RAD described by DSM-IV
So, as a parent of an adopted child, I know a thing or two about RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). It is a set of behaviors that make parenting very difficult. The following is a list of criteria for RAD:
Markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts, beginning before age 5 years old, such as:
- failure to initiate or respond in developmentally appropriate fashion to most social interactions
- excessively inhibited
- hypervigilant
- highly ambivalent and contradictory responses (sometimes drawing close to caregivers, other times avoiding caregivers)
- resistance to comforting
- frozen watchfulness
- excessive familiarity with relative strangers
- lack of selectivity in choice of attachment figures
Adopted children come to us sometimes with severe abuse and/or neglect in their background, or frequent changes in foster care. Other times, there is some kind of disturbance in the attachment process with the main caregiver (usually the mother), such as extended hospitalization before age 5, of either the mother or the child.
Children with RAD, technically, have no mental retardation (IQ lower than 70).
This blog will serve as more of a "what to do," since I am all about practical solutions. Please feel free to leave your comments, concerns and questions. But, please be aware, that as a Parenting Coach, I cannot give too much advice away for free. If there is need for extended phone counseling, please visit my website at this link: http://northlightcounseling.com/wordpress/?page_id=28
Enjoy
Markedly disturbed and developmentally inappropriate social relatedness in most contexts, beginning before age 5 years old, such as:
- failure to initiate or respond in developmentally appropriate fashion to most social interactions
- excessively inhibited
- hypervigilant
- highly ambivalent and contradictory responses (sometimes drawing close to caregivers, other times avoiding caregivers)
- resistance to comforting
- frozen watchfulness
- excessive familiarity with relative strangers
- lack of selectivity in choice of attachment figures
Adopted children come to us sometimes with severe abuse and/or neglect in their background, or frequent changes in foster care. Other times, there is some kind of disturbance in the attachment process with the main caregiver (usually the mother), such as extended hospitalization before age 5, of either the mother or the child.
Children with RAD, technically, have no mental retardation (IQ lower than 70).
This blog will serve as more of a "what to do," since I am all about practical solutions. Please feel free to leave your comments, concerns and questions. But, please be aware, that as a Parenting Coach, I cannot give too much advice away for free. If there is need for extended phone counseling, please visit my website at this link: http://northlightcounseling.com/wordpress/?page_id=28
Enjoy
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